Reflections

I’m turning 34 in a few weeks and it’s time to reflect on the past year. Reflect on my past. Reflect on age and how those around me are getting older as the days go by. Reflect on the friendships I’ve gained over the years and those that I have lost. I have never been very good at reflecting. I have always looked forward no matter what. I’m always thinking about the future and how to strive to be better than before. Isn’t that what life is? Learning from the past to improve?

Today my barber, Marcell from Modern Image asked me, “If you could go back to any age, what age would that be?” It wasn’t a question I was expecting. Marcell always does that to me, he makes me think, laugh, and forget. The haircut is just an add on to the experience of seeing him biweekly. I thought about the question, I said, “Man, I’d go back to my early 20s. I did so many things incorrectly, that I would just go back to redo my mistakes.” Would my life be different? Definitely. Crashing my car when I was drunk, saved my life. My Father’s deportation motivated me. Meeting my wife at Salty Dogg on that one cold February night was a blessing. Without that moment, my kids wouldn’t be here, I would probably still be living at my mom’s house. Without the heartbreaks, I would still consider myself “not good enough”. There are so many things that 20-year-old me went through. Many drunken nights, alone nights, sad nights, great nights.

It is a true blessing that I am able to reflect today. If you knew me in my high school years, I always thought that I would never make it past 25 years of age. I honestly thought that something would happen to me that I wouldn’t make it. My goal at that time was to have a kid with anyone, I wanted to leave my mark. Man, that is crazy. But my life in LA wasn’t the easiest, living closely to a gang neighborhood, cousins in gangs, and my interest in wanting to be a part of something. I could have easily gone in a different direction than where I am today. Moving to Iowa was a culture shock, but also it was something I didn’t know I needed. At 15 I was just ready to soak up the Midwest life. Life slowed down, but I still wasn’t accepting of my new life. My past haunted me. My father’s mishaps haunted me. My instability tried to break me. The unknown was a dark cloud that followed me wherever I went. What do they say? “Where ever you go, there you are.” That was me. I was negative, I was a pessimist, I was dark. I was forgettable. I was lost. No one would have missed me if I left this earth at 25. I am now 33 turning 34 and am living on borrowed time. I am enjoying every moment of life and every challenge it throws at me.

I am blessed. I laugh because I am enjoying the moment. I fear asking questions. I am learning to overcome that. I avoid to not cause anyone pain. I am facing that head on. Those around me have given me the opportunity to grow and mature with them. Two very close friends of mine, who I feel are the brothers I never had, have pushed me to success I never thought was attainable. They have introduced me to so many new things, from books, music, movies, collectable watches, politics, new ways to parent, and we have given each other the safe space to be vulnerable. We have communicated through text daily for almost 4 years now. One of the guys in the chat I’ve known for 8 years, the other only met him ONCE in those 4 years. I would still go to bat for those dudes and their families. Anything they need, I am here for them. I love them. Thank you for everything you do, The Hype Reactors Chat.

My guy, he is special. I laugh so much when I am with him. He is truly a special man. We worked together in a warehouse almost 12 years ago. I put furniture together and he was the one who brought that furniture down to me from the shelves within the warehouse. We talked here and there, then one day we just hit it off talking about shoes. 12 years later, we have spent holidays together, seen our babies grow, seen each other get married, and continued to talk about shoes. Our relationship has had many different dynamics through the years, but we still know that we are there for each other. This past holiday season he invited me to his home to spend time with him and his family. I was at my lowest and somehow, he just knew. I will always appreciate him for extending that branch. We don’t speak every day and that is okay. We share quarterly lunches, occasional TikTok videos, and jokes on Instagram. It feels good to know we are there for each other. Thanks homie, Costco glizzies on me soon.

Yahoo is a place unlike any other. The recent layoffs at that company shook me and those close to me. I wish I could help every single person that lost a job during that time because, they were all great. Trust me. Yahoo was an amazing place to work at because of the people. I’ve said this before, no one accepted me for who I was more than Yahoo and its people. I was me and they loved me for it. That brings me to my guy, Chip. We were aligned on an account in late 2019. We hit it off! We focused on troubleshooting this account, worked on their stability, and their future. A few months later, he was promoted to manager. I was so excited for him. He kept in touch through his transition to this new position. It was amazing!

In 2020, our department decided to create a program for diversity and inclusion. Our people were hit hard during Covid, the George Floyd murder, and the civil unrest. Chip and I were picked to be a part of that program and I was proud of being in the program with him. We worked on a few projects within this program and ultimately he became my mentor, my sponsor, and my champion. To this day, we speak monthly. The topics range from families, careers, and our future. I would not be where I am without him. He helped me be more professional and confident with my knowledge at work. He guided me through the interview process for my current role. I have seen him become a parent of two wonderful kids, a stronger husband, and seen him continue to grow as a manager. Chip, I appreciate you.

The people at Yahoo are everything. I would not have made it through the pandemic without these women. They both hold a special place in my heart. We were close before the pandemic, but once we went to work from home permanently, we made a choice to spend time together at least once a month. We are on year three of spending monthly time together, we have travelled to Chicago and New York. We have had Formula 1 themed Brunches, Valentine’s Day sleepovers, special birthday celebrations, and our own Siete De Mayo fka Cinco De Mayo parties. We did a lot in the short time we have known each other. I wouldn’t change it for anything. You are the best. The best moments in my life include you. Words cannot describe the love I have for you. A “thank you” is not enough.

During therapy I spoke on how my mom is getting older and I am starting to see her age. She looks tired, she moves slightly slower, and now her food is starting to taste differently. She is more gentle now than ever before. She seems kinder. Her exterior has always been tough, but now that barrier feels like its starting to soften up. I told my therapist that I don’t see a life without my mom. When I thought about that I began to cry. It hurt. The thought of it upset me.

Whatever happens in the future, I want to enjoy moments with her as much as I can. I want to appreciate her love. Cherish her hugs. Continue to learn from her. I want her grandkids to get close to her. I want them to know who she is, know what the love of a grandmother feels like. I grew up without that. I yearned for it. I don’t want them to feel that. As any parent, you want better for your kids.

I have some wonderful people in my life. I truly wouldn’t be here without them. I am the person I am because of them. The hardships I have overcome are because of the help they have provided me with. I hurt when they hurt, I cry when they cry. I love them dearly. My reflection is about what they have done for me, but I hope I have done just enough for them as well. Again, a thank you is not enough.