Lost

Coldplay in 2017

There are dark days and there are days that are as bright as the sun. Recently, I have had more dark days than anything else. Wanting to find a good center of balance is important to me. I try my best to be positive and energetic around my coworkers, family, and friends. But that becomes exhausting. Having to be “on” for everyone takes its toll.  A little after the holidays I was exhausted, I felt lost. I felt like I was grasping at air and free falling. I pushed people away during this time, the ones I loved, the ones I cared for, and the ones who supported me at my worst. I pushed them all away. I got lost in my head and went to a dark place. I felt as if nothing I did was right, I felt like parenting was harder than usual, I felt broken.

When I go to this dark place of wanting to be alone, disconnect, or even disappear, there are only a handful of things that can keep me centered. The unconditional love of my kids is a big one, the support of loved ones around me, and the soothing sounds of Coldplay. Yes, a band that doesn’t know I even exist make me feel centered. Coldplay is a band that gets a lot of scrutiny. I don’t know why, if you don’t like them, that’s okay. Keep it rocking. I have fond memories with Coldplay. I remember riding around in my uncle’s car listening to “Yellow” speeding down Western. One of my happiest moments with Coldplay is riding in my Dad’s Dodge Charger. Chrysler brought back the Dodge Charger around 2005 and I begged my parents to buy it. Somehow they made that happen. They bought this vehicle and squished all 5 of us in it.

Once in Council Bluffs, I remember cruising down Kanesville with my Dad listening to their latest album “X&Y”. I sung that whole album from start to finish. He loved it. He even sang the hooks with me. It was a real bonding experience. I was on a date once and he drove us to the movies, I was singing along without a care in the world. He joined in on the fun. I wasn’t even embarrassed. I never wanted that feeling to end. Just my Pops and I having Carpool Karaoke.  

Coldplay also helped me through my first difficult break up. I was torn when I heard this news through MySpace messages. I had received a message from my little sister’s boyfriend about how my current girlfriend was cheating on me with him. Make it make sense. I was shocked. I was 18. I thought this was the end of the world. Instead of getting closer with my little sister, it grew a wedge between us. We were angry at each other instead of at the ones who hurt us. Looking back at it now, it was extremely childish. I wish I could have handled that better. Enter “Parachutes” Coldplay’s first album from 2000. No, I didn’t buy that album, I downloaded it illegally from Limewire. Is there a statute of limitations for illegally downloading music? I had all of Coldplay’s albums, singles, and even the B-Sides. I was a burning CD machine! Custom mixtapes to show my love? I did that. My handwriting is so awful I couldn’t even tell what the CD’s said. It was an exciting surprise when I picked the right CD.

During my heartbreak I listened to “Parachutes” nonstop. So much so, that the CD began to peel and I had to burn the album multiple times. I went to bed listening to this album, there were times I woke up in the middle of the night with the headphone wire wrapped around my neck by accident!  The metal headphones pulled my hair too. It was awful! I played video games in the dark with this album. Showered to this album. “Parachutes” was my everything. It’s the perfect album. Short and sweet. A friend of mine called it “melancholy” I call it “a classic”

 When “Sparks” comes on. I instantly begin to reminisce. The positives, the hurts, the laughs, the negatives. “Parachutes” and Coldplay in general help me get out of my head. It lets me focus. It finds who I am. Why I am here. In the song “We Never Change” Chris Martin belts out “I want to live life and never be cruel. I want to live life and be good to you…” “and live my life and have friends around”. At that time, I was going through the pain of losing someone who meant the world to me. Now, those lyrics just confirm who I am. I want to live my life with friends around, being good to those around me, and to the one I love.

 I often say that music has saved my life and I truly believe that. Kid Cudi helped me through a difficult time when my father was deported. Coldplay helped me through heartbreak. John Mayer helped me navigate my 20s, I had “My Stupid Mouth” on repeat. Solange’s “Cranes in the Sky” made me feel like I didn’t need to have all the answers, and that was okay. Nipsey Hussle’s “Double Up” continues to motivate me.  Music has constantly helped me through feeling lost, depressed, and overwhelmed. My days feel empty when I don’t listen to music. Music is my one constant. In between meetings, during long car rides, or even when I can’t sleep. I listen to music.

I was lost recently, but now I am found. I will continue to navigate these feelings of unknown with music alongside me. I believe feeling lost and empty shouldn’t make me want to be locked in the dark alone. Instead of avoiding my feelings, I should confront them head on. I want to be able to communicate my feelings properly. Why I am feeling this way? What do I need? How do I get it? Those are questions that I constantly ask myself and soon enough I will be able to answer. As of now I will welcome more challenges without getting defensive, ask more questions, and keep music by my side. Because without it, I would feel completely lost. What am I going to do, listen to podcasts? No way.