Anxious? Stressed? Life?

AsI sit here at my little one’s gymnastics class, I am proud, I am happy, I am grateful. Proud because she is venturing out and embracing new activities. Happy because the smile that she has during gymnastics class can brighten up anyone’s day. Especially mine. I am grateful because i am able to provide for her, provide this small joy in her life. Provide Ballet classes for her big sister. Just being there. Providing.

Over the last few years, my life has been going through changes. My emotions are pulled in multiple directions. My heart is broken. My joys are short. My lows are long, the darkness feels like its always at the end of the tunnel. I feel like there is this weight on my shoulders that I am unable to get rid of. Focusing on myself and not being able to fulfill whatever my head is going through has been difficult. Giving whatever I have left to those around me is difficult. Internally knowing that what you have left, is not enough, but you want to make it enough. After nights with my kids, I just want to be by myself, playing video games, writing, listening to music, watching “Training Day” for the 100th time. Me time. Focusing on me.

Therapy every two weeks. We talk about my divorce process, my family pain, my career trajectory, and how to continue being a father who is devoted and involved. How can I continue to be involved when my tank is empty? For how long can I fake that smile? Can the kids notice that I am not listening to their story about school? I’ve become exhausted. I’ve missed who I am. I’m not me. I know it. I notice it. Im aware. Im scared.

My stomach begins to not be the same, my sleep schedule is nonexistent, my patience is gone, the person I have worked so hard to become has vanished. What is going on? 2 months become 6 months, 6 months become 9 months, months full of pain. I needed help.

I wanted to come into 2023 with a clean bill of health. I knew something was wrong. There were nights where I wouldn’t leave the apartment because my stomach was unpredictable. There were nights where I couldn’t make it 10 minutes without using the bathroom. Days where I needed to know where the bathroom was wherever I was. The first week of 2023, I made a doctor’s appointment. I was embarrassed. Still am really. “Why are you here today?” He asked. “Well, I don’t even know how to explain it, for the first time I am at a loss for words.” We talked, he examined me. He asked how my home situation was and how I face stress. I told him, “Shit fam, my life is chaos. Divorce, new job where I work from home, my kid’s pain, trying to balance my love life. Chaos.” I nervously laugh. But there is nothing to laugh about. His eyes opened wide. He immediately suggested two things; “1. We have counselors, you can talk to one. 2. Have you ever been on a low dose anti-depressant? We can get you on one of those”

Anti-depressants?! Anxiety? Depression? Stress? I thought I was working through this already. Therapy, friends, basketball, coaching, writing, video games, love. Stress? Anxiety?! What? Am I failing myself? Why was my first reaction shame? What was I ashamed about? Why did shame immediately come to mind? I took his suggestion about the prescription since I already have a therapist. The doctor said that stomach issues come about when there is stress and anxiety. He feels like taking these pills will help over time. I’ll be seeing him again soon for a follow up. I left his office with my head down. I sat in the car in silence. Sat there with my thoughts. I always thought that my thoughts were just that; thoughts. But no, the thoughts were my anxiety overtaking me. I continuously worry, I worry about money, I worry about my career, I worry about what others think, I worry about our next meal, I worry about getting the kids in bed on time, I worry. Worrying keeps me warm at night. I go to bed worrying about not going to bed on time.

Its been three weeks since I have started taking the pills. I have few side effects. I find myself yawning at the worsts times. Mostly when a client asks me a question during Zoom calls. Im so sorry, its the pills! I swear. I am getting at least 8 hours of sleep. Even with the kids waking me up at the crack of dawn. I have always been a the type of person that functions well with 4 hours of sleep. I mean, I did it for years, working overnights and then working in the afternoon. I made it work. Let me tell you about being in bed by 9:30 and asleep by 10:30. Its a delight.

With the sleep comes more patience and calmness. With the patience come more appreciation of being in the moment. Letting the moments with your kids just come together, not worrying about bed time. Creating a better dinner routine that will allow you to have more time together in between their activities. Just enjoying your kids. Even though I haven’t been away from my kids, I feel like I have missed too much time not being there. I am sorry about that. Truly. I am here and I am a work in progress.

This realization that I am not doing enough for myself also had me realize that I am emotionally unavailable. Over the last three years my love life has been extremely unstable. I have been working through a separation, reconciliation, and divorce. Love hurts. There are ups and downs, hurts, pains, heartbreak. I got lost. I lost myself. I began focusing on love, without focusing on finding myself. I stopped taking care of myself. I spoke to my therapist this week and our topic of conversation was how to be selfish and selfless at the same time. Me wanting to focus on myself is selfish. But in my eyes its a selfless act. I want to give more and at this time, I have nothing left to give.

Shame, I shouldn’t feel shame. I want to be healthy, I want to be in my kid’s lives for as long as I can. I want to see my son Omar (Boston Terrier) live a long life. I want to see my nieces grow up and have their own families. I want to enjoy the last moments with my Mom. A goal this year is to get closer with my two sisters. Focus on our relationship. There is nothing to be ashamed about. I want to be here for the future. I think I am taking the right steps to get there. Oh, also I’m including some salads into my diet, adding more fruits, and eating lighter. Less alcohol. I have signed up to be a basketball coach of my niece’s team. I have continued to take walks even in the middle of winter. My life is valuable and I want to enjoy it. I am grateful, proud, and happy that I am taking the proper steps to focus on me. Anxiety won’t define me.

Like my best friend said, “Look at you taking care of you.”

Yeah fam, look at me.