Sober

This has taken me a while to write, partly because I was embarrassed, ashamed, and frustrated in myself. I have worked extremely hard, sacrificed plenty, and overcome many obstacles to get where I am today. I am not done working and pushing myself to new heights.  On December 12th, 2022 I put my life and the life of a loved one in danger. That night was the night I decided to stop drinking and now 4 months later, I have continued that journey. Over the years I have drank less and less.  Recently, I have been drinking to disconnect from reality. Life can be too much; kids, relationships, work, working from home and separating them both. I enjoy therapy, but it can only do so much. I welcome the conversations with my friends, the hugs from my kids. There are times, that it’s not enough. I just need to get away. Enough alcohol can do that for me.

I have spoken about how in my early 20s, I had a run in with drinking and driving. I was in a downward spiral during this time. My Dad had just been deported; I was in love with a woman who couldn’t care less about me. I was working a dead-end job, living paycheck to paycheck, seeing my mother’s struggling to make ends meet. It all stressed me out. We relied on her. We knew she couldn’t fail, for us.

It was the perfect Fall night, a few friends and I decided to get together, go to our favorite restaurant and bars. And like everything we did back then, it was excessive. One drink became 4, then the next bar, then the next. Champagne on Tap was involved. I was done. I knew it, but didn’t care. This was before Ubers and Lyft, a homie who was less drunk than me was going to give me a ride home. I decided otherwise. I drove myself home. I didn’t make it. I woke the next morning on the side of the interstate. Not sure how I got there, vomit all over me, and disoriented. I gathered myself and turned the car back on and drove home. By the time I got home, my brand-new car’s engine was smoking. My heart sank. I got out of the car and inspected the damage. I asked myself, “What did I hit? Where was I going? What happened? Did anyone see me?” I had no recollection. As I was going through putting the pieces of the puzzle together, I was told that I had left a few voicemails that said A LOT about the night. I heard them, they were mostly gibberish. I was completely lost.

My mother was not happy with me, she was extremely disappointed in me. She said I was just like my father. That broke me. I knew then that I needed to make a change. Not only was I scared that the police were going to be knocking on my door within the next day or two. But worse, did I hurt anyone? Did I ruin anyone’s life? How am I going to pay for all of this? I ended up not hearing from anyone. I don’t know if that is luck or incompetence. Either way. I began making the needed changes in my life. I began to stay home, drinking less, and focusing on my future; better job, going back to school, worrying about how I am perceived. I didn’t want my mother to be disappointed in me. I knew following certain aspects of my father’s life wasn’t for me. I knew I WAS better. I believed in myself. That was the first time I bet on myself.

It has been a great 11 years. I stopped drinking to blackout. I stopped pushing back my bills in order to go out and drink; I used to go out on Thursdays and not pay my tab until midnight because I knew my check will be deposited by then. On nights I only had about $20, I went to the bar for $1 beers, spend $10, get gas on credit because the gas stations put a $1 hold on your card, then went to Taco Bell and balled out! That was the old me. I stopped all of that. I felt like I needed a life with purpose. I knew that someone’s love will help me fill that empty gap in my heart.

I found that.

Fast forward to December, 2022 and I was facing a new challenge. The winter was here and the holiday parties were up and running. I was invited to a party that I look forward to every year. That party might be the best one of the year. Open bar, the best tacos and burritos from local restaurant, and a dance floor big enough for Dancing with the Stars. That December night, it was dark, cold, and slushy, just like every other December night in Nebraska. I went ahead and made an appearance at a friend’s holiday party. It felt like I was obligated to attend, but when I was there, I felt out of place. In a sense, I felt unwelcomed. I just wanted to leave. As soon as I had my two beers, I was out of there.

At the second holiday party of the night, I was ready. I knew the food was going to be slapping, the music was going to be jamming, and the drinks were going to be flowing. As soon as I got there, I booked it to the Taco truck and ordered my Carne Asada Burrito, it really is the best in town. My date and I were enjoying the food and music. Then we saw a few of our old coworkers and many questions were asked. Unsure how to answer them, I went straight to the bar to drown myself from all the noise. One shot of tequila became 3, 2 beers became 5. I was in the zone. Seeing old coworkers made it all feel great. The alcohol was loosening me up and allowing me to feel comfortable. We took pictures, we all laughed, we reminisced about the times at the old company. It was a joyful time. But in the back of my head, I was having a difficult time adjusting being having a date. No one needed to know the backstory of what I was going through, no one needed to understand what was going on in my life, no one should care. I was just there to have fun, but that fun began to haunt me. I let the hypothetical questions get the best of me. They ran out of Blue Moon beer, no problem, I began to drank Stella. I was set.

I danced, caught up with old friends and their loved ones, and gave a random guy advice about where he should go after the party and where to get the best fried chicken in Omaha. The best bar in Omaha is Homy Inn, the best fried chicken will be Alpine Inn. Trust me. My old manager was there, man, it was great to see him. My old VP was there, we just jammed out together. I was holding it all together very nicely. I was proud of that. I knew I had not made a fool out of myself. That was important. The night was winding down, the DJ was taking requests, I think. We played Bad Bunny and Juvenille to close out the night. I was dancing like no one was watching.

The party ended. I felt fine. Really. I said my goodbyes, took the last set of pictures and we began making our way outside. As soon as I was outside and the 15-degree temperatures hit me. I was gone. I began to stumble a bit, slur my words, but I still thought driving myself was a good idea. It was not. I make a lot of mistakes during this moment of realization. I should have expressed how I was feeling, where my mind was, and how drunk I was. I did none of that. I laughed it off and we got in the car, as soon as we got on the road, I knew I had to drive with one eye open in order for the road to be visible. I was in trouble. Thankfully we got to her house, I told her I couldn’t drive anymore, she told me to come inside to grab some water. I did. I laid down on her floor and the ceiling started spinning. I was deep in trouble. How was I going to get home? What are my next steps? What do I do? She drove me home. As I was walking back to the car, I threw up. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and annoyed with myself. Trust me, I had worked too hard to not be that way and now I put a lot of people around me in danger. I was even ready to crash my dream car. How does that even make sense? It doesn’t.

We made it home safely.

The next morning was a haze. I had had a conversation with a homie through text that I don’t remember. I had made a few posts to social media that I don’t remember. I sung to my beer and took a video and posted it. I was down and out. Down bad. Not what I had perceived myself to be. I hold myself to a higher standard. It’s not me.

I talked to friends, I told them what had happened, they were surprised. Told my mom, she was not happy, but knew I knew what to do. She knew I had the strength and knowledge to do best. At first, I stopped drinking until I figured out what happened and what made me go back to the old person I was. Then it was just easier to not drink. Even though we are surrounded by alcohol at all times; sporting event, alcohol. Dinner; alcohol. Hanging out with friends; alcohol. It’s everywhere. But I kept pushing, my friends understood what I was doing and why.

I figured out why I got as drunk as I did without any care in the world. I knew what needed to be done in order to not let that happen again. I needed a clear mind. I needed to look within myself to understand what was happening and why. The divorce had taken a toll on me. Being out in public with a friend, regardless of what others thought, shouldn’t have let my mind run amok. Let them ask questions and I’ll answer them with total honesty, life happens. You will face questions from people who genuinely care and others will ask because they want to gossip. Allow them to ask the questions, it’s on me to provide a respectful boundary about what they are asking.

I write all of this because this weekend I was at a bachelor party, my first one! I was surrounded by alcohol. I did well. I had one night where I drank a few beers, I held everything together. I did not let the peer pressure determine what I needed to do or allowed it to dictate my actions. The alcohol was just there for me loosen up a bit. Thankfully, I was allowed to spend time alone for a few hours. The groom wanted me to have a good time, but I also had my limit on what that would look like.

I am proud of myself for not letting alcohol take the best of me. I am proud of myself for not allowing the downward spiral dictate what my next move is. I am proud of myself because depression is real. Wanting to disconnect from it all is real. I don’t know how to finish this post. I just know that I am still learning about myself. I am still making mistakes. I am still trying to get better. Every day, every moment, every decision, it’s an opportunity to grow. I am growing, I am learning.