Father’s Day

I don’t think about my dad too often, he hasn’t been a part in my life for almost 16 years now. The times that he comes to mind are during Father’s Days and his birthday. When I say I think about him, it’s really just a quick moment of “I wonder what he is doing right now.” Then I go on about my day. This week my little sister told the family that my dad messaged her and told her that his father had passed away. We all felt some empathy at the moment, but also told her to be careful because my dad would possibly ask for money. This death didn’t sting, didn’t hurt, didn’t feel like a loss. I am saddened that my dad lost his dad, their relationship has been complicated. I hope that they were able to grow out of that pain and create a strong relationship. This death brought me nothing.

I began to think about why I didn’t feel any emotion about his death. Then I had therapy session a few days later and got my answer. It was because I grew up that way. I grew up without having a relationship with my grandparents. I have become accustomed to not knowing who they are or what their love feels like. That’s what I missed out on the most; their love, if they had any to give. I see the love that my children get from my mom, my mother-in-law, and even their babysitter who has become a huge part of the family. They are blessed to be loved by many people around them. The support that these people provide my kids is beautiful. From crying at their ballet recital to seeing them do their first flip at gymnastics. They are there for the moment.

When my dad was deported, all I did was miss him. I continued to want him to be here with me and spend time with me. I told a friend once that I wished that “I could have spent time with him grilling a steak and drinking a nice ice-cold beer.” From what I could remember, my dad was a very insightful person, he was very charming, and was extremely funny. One thing I wish for is to have learned more from him. I wish I could have had time to understand who he was and how he was raised, what he went through, where the pain came from. I would have loved it if he could have continued to showed me the positive side of him. My therapist talked about the trauma I went through with my dad, how I only think of the negative and how the positive things we did together is buried deep down in my memory bank. We sat together for a few minutes just coming up with things we did together that were positive. The one memory that came to mind was how as a family we used to go to the movie theater to enjoy a double feature. My dad and I would specifically get Nachos and have the concession stand worker to drown the chips in the gooey Nacho cheese. My dad and I would FEAST! Granted, this was before the concessions cost more than the movie ticket price. After the movies, we’d go and grab tacos at the local taco truck. We would hangout by the car and talk about the movie. Those were great times. I try to make memories like this with my kids, we enjoy going to the movie theater, it’s the only place you can disconnect from everything for 2 hours.

What brings me sadness is what he has missed. He has missed graduations, heartbreak, child births, weddings, birthdays. He has missed a lot. What gives me joy is that I am in the position to not miss any of those things. I am in the position to show my kids the positive side of me. I’m in the position to be a role model to them and my nieces. I am in the position to be a father and an uncle. I will not be taking this for granted. Life isn’t easy, making the right decisions all the time isn’t easy. I have made plenty of mistakes, but I am learning from them and want to be better. Like I shared in December, one night I drank too much and drove, I put my life in danger and didn’t care about the outcome. I don’t want to do that again. I want to be here for them. For their future. I don’t want them to have the feelings of resentment, unknown, and loss when they think about me. I truly wish my dad thought about US, his kids, rather than himself and his needs. That is what got him in the position he is in now.

I have forgiven my dad for the choices he made. I have forgiven my dad for being selfish. I have forgiven my dad for hurting my mom. I have forgiven my dad for trying to break the family. We are stronger than ever. As I get older and “wiser” I cannot live with anger in my heart. I have to be able to show to my kids that you are able to forgive someone, but also have boundaries. Boundaries will create a new side of relationships. Boundaries will also help you navigate what limits you are able to face. Boundaries are important and I hope that I can help my kids understand them for their future. I have created a boundary with the nonexistent relationship with my dad, but if he does decide to ever come back into the picture.I have forgiven my dad for the events he has missed. Why? Because he is missing out, I am not. I’m in the moment. He chose his moment. I learned from his mistakes; I would have loved it if he had done the same.

Being a father is a lifetime job. I don’t take it lightly. It is an extreme privilege to be in this position, to be able to guide someone’s life. To be able to provide. To be there for them when they need you. To be able to feel their true unconditional love. To share moments of happiness, moments that make them proud. Moments of pain and moments of hurt. It is a blessing to be part of it all. Being a parent has allowed me to grow from a victim to a warrior. A warrior for my kids and those around me. I love this job. I do wonder when I’ll get a raise though, this inflation is killing me!