Happiness

There have been times where life has been at its darkest. I have been impatient, stressed, and frustrated with everything and everyone. Not knowing how to get out of it, what is causing my strong feelings, or even what I need from others to help me through these feelings. Considering where my life is currently, I am at my happiest. I feel as I am extremely connected with my kids and their needs. Building stronger relationships with my friends and their loved ones. Lastly, doing things that I want without being judgement.

As many of you know I have been playing basketball every Wednesday for about 3 years now. It has been my only avenue for exercise. I don’t like going to a gym, I don’t like running outside, and I don’t like being made to walk with a purpose. When I visited New York last year, we walked everywhere. My feet were so mad at me, but I pushed through it. I loved every moment of it. But if someone walks and associates it with being active, I am out! I know, it makes no sense. But in my head its perfect. I digress. So, playing basketball has been an escape for me, but after a few games, my body feels extremely tight. It needs a huge stretch. A friend of mine has done Yoga in the past and posted about it on Instagram. That gave me an idea. I asked her if we could do a class one day, she was down to clown. We got our Tripod back together and signed up for a Yoga class, but not any Yoga class, it was a Yoga with Goats. Goat Yoga! Honestly, it was more an excuse to hang out with baby goats than actually do Yoga. But the process and seeing the yoga poses gave me an idea of what I can take back home at my own leisure. Now I am stretching daily and feeling the effects from it. I don’t feel as stiff after a basketball game or even after playing a match of sand volleyball. Oh yeah, add Sand Volleyball to the things I am currently doing too. I am full of energy and joy. Shout out to the Tripod for including me in things I am uncomfortable with but also being supportive. Shout out to stretching. Undefeated.

Another thing that brought me joy was seeing one of my oldest friends, Jake, get married. Celebrating him and his wife was lovely. Spending time with him and his closest friends as a part of the groom party was beautiful. He is one of the humblest dudes I know. He was not a fan of us spending time celebrating him, but he loved being with all of us. During his bachelor party, I reconnected with an old high school friend, Aaron, I let him know that he made my high school experience easier. We hadn’t seen each other in about 8 years, but telling him how I felt about him was something I didn’t know I needed to share. He was one of the only people who accepted me for who I was. He was a friend that welcomed me with opened arms. He was there when I was feeling alone, he was the one person who connected me with the “cool” kids. I told him all of these things and he also shared a few things about me and how he has talked about me to his wife. During the wedding weekend, I met his wife and kids; they were all great. It was as if we had known each other for years. Seeing my guy, Jake, get married with all his homies around rooting him on is something that I will remember forever.  

Me, Jake, Aaron, and Mark (Jake’s Dad)

Over the last few weeks, I have been spending a lot of time with my mom. More time than usual. She makes dinner, the kids hang out with their cousins, and I get to test my comedic chops. I told a friend a friend of mine that something in my heart feels like I need these moments, that I won’t get these moments back, and that I have to appreciate her while she is here. Part of me feels like something is going to happen. I am unsure if its positive or negative, it’s just a gut feeling. Seeing my mom laugh at my jokes or being able to just see her smile always brings me joy. Her smile fills the darkest room with sunshine. Her smile is infectious. When we hang out, we talk about this cookbook we are writing together, this might be a bigger project than I was expecting. The way that my mom thinks is the same way I do, and to be honest, I am a pain in the ass! We are both stubborn, loud, and when we don’t get our way, we stop listening to anything. We hit a wall when I have her start explaining how to make a dish, because she has her ways of making things and explaining what she did. She forgets steps, has a hard time explaining steps, and DOESN’T MEASURE ANYTHING! If you want this cookbook, season your food at your own digression. I am messing, but getting her on the same page as me is going to take longer than I thought. Thankfully, we both agreed on the dishes and how many dishes we will be focusing on. Small wins.

Lastly, even my therapist has seen an improvement in the way that I have been during our sessions. During our last few sessions, she has mentioned that I do seem at my happiest. That she has never seen me this happy and that she enjoys who I have become. She has seen me through my worst and my best. Six years of sessions going from weekly, daily emails, bi weekly, and now even once a month. At the beginning of our relationship my therapist told me that her goal is to lose her job. I always thought that that was a funny way to look at things. But now, six years later, I understand it. She wants me to use her tools to navigate through life and not rely on her. During our last session she told me she wants to start moving to monthly. That felt great to hear.

I will continue to work on myself and not take this feeling of joy and happiness for granted. I deserve to feel this way and I owe it all to my support system that I have built over the years. Life is hard work. It really is, nothing comes easy, but I am blessed. I am blessed to have the means to try new things, buy myself something when I am feeling down, and have mental health resources. I don’t take these opportunities for granted.  Even though I am always wanting more, I am learning to cherish the moment. Right now, that is exactly what I am doing. I am living the moment and loving every minute of it.

Considering.