Growing Pains

You ever see your life pass right in front of your eyes? This Summer came and went. It feels like just yesterday I took the kids to our local pizza/arcade restaurant to celebrate the last day of school. The Summer nights feel long and short at the same time. The sun sets later in the day, but the days start later than in the Fall and Winter. The nights when you enjoy a nice swim at the local pool, an ice-cold Arnold Palmer Iced Tea, or even a nice soft serve ice cream cone. Those days came and went in the blink of an eye. I continue to express to my kids how we should be in the moment and enjoy the time we have together. Whether they listen or not, that’s on them. I wish I would listen to my own advice sometimes. This week we closed one phase of life and start a new one. It was an emotional week, I felt overwhelmed with uncertainty, insecurity, guilt, and confusion.

My youngest daughter started school this week, we said goodbye to our daycare provider, who to me is family. She has been a part of our family for just under 10 years. She has taken care of our kids since they were months old. She is such a part of the family that our kids call her “Mami.” I love that. They accepted her and I could not be prouder. Camila grew up with Mami. Camila is more like Mami than anything else. I think that the kindness of Mami’s rubbed off on Camila so much that she takes care of others in school. Every parent teacher conference we hear about how she is kind to others, helps the teachers with tasks, and how she cleans up after others.

Elena began going to Mami’s as Camila transitioned to school. Mami always asked me when we were going to have more kids. She enjoyed our kids and I enjoyed her and her family’s company. Her kids and I meshed, her husband; Papi, spent time with us and our kids. It was a family. Truly. Elena is the complete opposite of her sister, Camila. Elena is a menace. But she is loving and she loves hard. She feels even harder. I can tell that she will be like me. On days when I picked Elena up from daycare, I could tell the connection that Elena had with Mami, it was apparent that they enjoyed each other and that they understood each other. You could tell that Elena made Mami laugh, you could tell that Mami and her music made Elena dance. The smile Elena had every morning during drop-offs is indescribable. Every weekday it went like this, Elena walked up the Mami’s stairs with her blanket on her side, she knocked on the door, once the door opened, “Hola, Mami” and she would hug her and immediately relax on the couch. She was home.

It was secure. Safe. It was what we knew. What she knew. It was family.

Over the years our families have become closer than ever, we celebrate birthdays together, holidays, and special occasions. Mami and her family are a blessing and it will be extremely difficult to replicate that connection our kids built with them. I am crying as I type this. I am having a harder time with leaving Mami because I saw that unconditional love, she provided my kids. I felt like I missed that for myself growing up. I felt like I searched for that from my dad. I wanted that connection. I wanted that ease of life. I wanted that caring person. That person that cared if I was hurt if I fell, instead of getting mad that I fell. I wanted that person that elevated me. Mami cared for my kids like they were hers. It was easy. It was who she was. I will miss that. I loved that. I remember the day we met her, we walked into her home not knowing who she was, it was Mami, Papi, their oldest daughter, and us sitting on their couch. We talked and she immediately wanted to see Camila. Mami held that 3-week-old baby with so much care and tenderness, I looked at Andrea and we knew that was that. Right then and there that she was going to be our kid’s daycare provider. In a sense it was love at first sight. That meeting only lasted 5 minutes. I wish more meetings were that short.

I just want to thank her for everything that she did for my family, my kids, and for me. I don’t think she understands that without her help, we wouldn’t be where we are today. Our kids wouldn’t be who they are. The reassurance that she gave us allowed us both to follow our goals and focus on our careers and learning. She provided us with that extra care that allowed us to just worry about providing for our family. When either one of us needed to stay late for work, she was there, she understood. I never had to worry about whether the kids were going to be fed or cared for. I never had to worry about where my kids were going to be. Her oldest daughter loved our kids like they were her own siblings. That whole family showed love.

This week my kids started school. Camila was dreading it, I feel that. I was the same way. School was easy for me, but I never put in that effort that it deserved. I was always too cool for school. But I got my shit together and prospered when I needed to. Elena was excited about starting preschool! She wanted to make 13,000 friends. I don’t know where she got that number from. She was excited to meet her teacher, have recess, and ending taking naps. Jokes on her because nap time is from 12:30 to 2.

But with the new school year starting, the phase of going to Mami’s everyday ended completely. This week it began to hit Camila. The sadness hit her, she felt like she was ending something she has known. Thankfully, Mom told her that this isn’t a “goodbye” its’ an “I’ll see you laters.” Elena on the other hand, she is my little ray of sunshine. All week she was asking, “Dad, how many sleeps until I start school? 3?” The only care she had was starting school, but on the last day of being with Mami, she cried during pick up. Mami gave the kids a few gifts and gave Elena a handwritten card that honestly, meant a lot to me, because I know how hard it is to express emotions as a Hispanic Woman. That meant the world to me. I was asked to translate the letter from Spanish to English for Elena and I couldn’t hold back the tears.

It’s been an emotional week. My kids are growing and its bittersweet. Seeing them grow and become more independent pains me. I am being selfish. I always want to be needed. I always want them to know that I am there for them. I want them to know there are people in this world that love them as much as their parents do. That there are people rooting for them. I want them to know who was there for them when we couldn’t be. I want them to never forget the times they had with Mami and her family.

Muchas gracias por todo, Mami. Usted es alguien a que yo aprecio mucho. Con mucho amor.