Eliminating Doubt
I had a conversation with my mom yesterday. She opened up in a way that I have never seen or heard before. It was honestly a beautiful moment. After the fact, I thanked her for sharing and opening up with me. I love the that my whole family is focusing on their mental health one way of another. My journey with mental health has helped me get through many obstacles in life and I have only been in therapy for 6 years. Within those 6 years my patience has grown, I have learned to love myself, I have cherished every moment I am alive. Pretty much. Yeah. I’m loving life. There are many people that have helped me get to this moment, but my daughters are the true reason that I keep growing.
My eldest daughter is the reason that I made the change and started therapy. I knew that I was not the best version of myself. At the young age of 2, she showed me that I needed to do better. Her love is unconditional, her heart is huge, and her ability to care for those around her is precious. I wanted more of that in my life, I knew she was showing me a version of who I could be. She has always been my motivation, but through the years, my growth has felt a bit lost. There is still work to be done there.
Every day I worry if I am raising my kids the right way. The conversation I had with my mom was basically about how she was coming to our protection of how we are raising our kids and how she knows it in her bones that these kids (my nieces and my two kids) are in great hands. That in her own way she broke the generational cycle. Her life was hard enough, she didn’t want ours to be difficult. She showed us a way of life that we could achieve, and to her, we have achieved it. She is proud of all three of her kids. She shared that her grandkids are her life now. That her job with us is done. That moment is special. I know my mom loves these kids, what caught me by surprise is how she stood up for us and how she defended parenting. You know coming from a Hispanic culture, we don’t hear that kind of love often. Those words of affirmation, those words of trust, those words of encouragement.
Recently I have reconnected with a few old friends, we lost contact one way or another, but thankfully when we connected again, it was like old times. Didn’t miss a beat. I love that, we all have kids now. Through social media they have noticed how my kids are everything to me. They tell me that they believe I am a good parent, that feels amazing! The mind works in mysterious ways, everyone can complement you on your parenting. But then there are moments that I feel like I am failing them. There are days that I think I am causing them trauma because of the divorce. I feel like they may grow up thinking that they don’t have a true home because the parenting schedule. Because their parents aren’t together. Our different parenting styles. Not being connected. I’m not sure, but those thoughts live rent free in my head. But then there are those days that surprise me. Those days that continue to tell me, “Aye man, you doing good. Keep it up. Don’t stop”
At school my eldest daughter had dress up as a Hero Day. At dinner, I asked her what she was going to dress up as, thankfully I read the school newsletter that week, I was in the loop! She said, “I think I am going to dress up as Mom!” She shared that her mom is her hero and that she was also going to add a sign on her chest that had my name on it because she wanted to include me. I was floored. THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING ME! That’s awesome. That is a moment I want to relive every day for the rest of my life. She thinks of us as her hero. That’s beautiful. I encouraged that idea and asked how I can help. She said she didn’t need help, but will let me know.
Fast forward to the day of the Hero Day and I wake up to a text that made me cry. This text was from their mom and it was a picture of both of my kids in their Dodgers’ jerseys, a Dodgers hat, and my eldest had a painted beard on her chin. I could not stop crying. The emotions were flowing. I have achieved a legacy. Through the years I have wanted my kids to think highly of me. I know that I cannot determine what they think, but I can show them who I am. How my actions speak louder than words. What hurts me. Why I am sad. I am not afraid to cry in front of them. They are not responsible for my feelings, but they deserve to see all the sides of me. We laugh and cry together. Nothing is off limits. We sing Frank Ocean “Self Control” together. The kids know that they can have my whole meal if they are hungry (not the last bite of my steak. That’s foul).
I am their hero. I have allowed them to see the best parts of me and they have felt like those moments are good enough to put in a pedestal. I am blessed. My main goal as a father is for them not to have resentment towards me like I have resentment towards my father. I want them to know that I will take accountability for every decision I have made, good or bad. I want them to know that they are who I think about when I make these decisions. Unlike my father, I am not selfish. I care about their feelings, I care about their needs, I care about them. I am proud of my kids. They provide me with a sense of gratitude. Every time I feel like I may be doing something incorrectly they prove me wrong. They share with their mom how much they love me, their mom tells me I am “winning”, and my kids are LOVED at school.
My sense of worry continues to be tamed by the way others speak about my kids. My eldest had her teacher conference recently and for the last 4 years we have been told the same thing, “She is kind, caring, helpful, and funny. She is an absolute joy to have in class.” In August she won an award for being a great student. Her teachers light up when they speak about her. She is known at school for all the right things. She loves music, art, math, and reading. She definitely doesn’t get it from me. I was terrible at school, ask my parents, I was always the class clown. I truly love how she is becoming her own person, how her personality is starting to shine, how colorful she is. It is perfect.
Camila, every day your actions prove me wrong. Every day you continue to temper my self-doubt. Every day you continue to prosper. You continue to blossom into a beautiful young lady. I am proud to be able to navigate this life with you. I am proud we have our relationship. You should be proud of the young lady you are. Be proud of who you are becoming. Be proud of being you. Because I know you have so many people that are proud of you. I love you, kid.
