Healing

This will be a bit vulnerable. This may bother some people. This might not be something everyone would want to read, but there has been plenty of feeling poured into this. Over the last few months, I have been feeling trapped and overwhelmed. It could be a mixture of my life being stagnant or it could be the fact that I am not getting ample physical connection with other people during my day-to-day workday. Working from home has taken a toll on me. Working from home has its benefits, but human connection is unrivaled. Especially when that connection brings visibility from leadership. Currently, one of my biggest challenges is overcoming that need of being seen for the work that I do. I’m a big fan of “let the work speak for itself” but how do I let that happen when my work day feels so secluded?

I took these feelings to my therapist; we talked about wanting to be seen and needing validation. We talked about how I can continue to speak on what I do, how to play the “office” politics game, and how to remove the feelings of entitlement. Entitlement; the fact of having a right to something. She told me to sit on what entitlement means to me. Honestly, when I heard that word be used as a feeling, I felt abandoned. I felt like my emotions weren’t understood. I’m not saying that I have a right to be noticed at work, be appreciated, be supported, be promoted, be looked at as a leader. I have worked extremely hard to understand the fact that I want those needs. That those needs fill up my bucket. I have worked extremely hard to be where I am and I have not made it to where I want to be. I do not want to be at a place where I am left to feel like I have peaked. I been there before. I have felt that. I know that I am capable of doing any job, with the proper training. I remember I worked at a place where it was ideal for you to do extra work activities. Those activities helped you grow within the company, helped you move up in the company, it also brought more financial stability. But some reason didn’t happen with me.

That company offered tuition reimbursement. I thought to myself, if I want to grow, let me go back to school. A broadcast journalism degree did not help in the internet commercial department that I was in. I graduated from school, I entered the company’s leadership program, I joined their inaugural social media team, I took on more work within my department. I became more extroverted. I did what I needed to for growth. Every door I tried to open was shut in my face, every window I tried to sneak through was slammed on my fingers, every connection I tried to make told me “I didn’t have enough experience.” Anything I did, did not work. My only option was to leave. Once I did, I thrived and haven’t stopped since. It’s been the best decision I have made in my life. Always bet on myself. I will continue to do that.

After my therapy session I had dinner with an old coworker. I consider him a mentor and friend. When he speaks, I listen. I told him about my session with my therapist. He asked me how I felt about it. I told him that I was misunderstood. That I am not entitled. I have earned this position. I have enjoyed the position that I am in, I have worked hard to want more. I want to be a leader. I am growing my resume. I want to provide for my family. That’s not entitlement, that’s responsibility. What breaks me is seeing someone without my work ethic and knowledge be promoted, be highly regarded, be visible. What are they doing that I am not? What is our difference? How do I get there? We talked about playing the politics game, how I should continue to harp on what I deserve. How I should continue to speak up for my value. He continues with telling me to acknowledge the shortfalls and improve. Truly the best advice.  I was energized and motivated after our dinner.

This week when I had therapy I went back and told my therapist that I had my thoughts about what entitlement meant to me. I told her how I thought her assessment was wrong. We talked about my dinner and my feelings. I ran through everything that I have done to be where I am. Why I continue to want validation. Why I am unhappy with what I have. How I tell my kids to appreciate the small things. But also “do as I say not as I do”, how am I a hypocrite like that? Wild. Anyway, how I continue to want more. How what I have doesn’t make me happy. It makes me push and push. I tell her I don’t have the ability or opportunity to be content with what I have. I went into race and how as a person of color we have to work hard and don’t have the ability to make mistakes, always be on top of it. Because if you have one bad experience with a person of color, we are generalized and that experience is attached to every other person of color. It’s unfair and its exhausting.

I have been with this therapist for about 6 years now. She knows a lot about my life. The conversation then moved to trauma. How she used the incorrect word with “entitlement” and that she should have used “resentment.” How I don’t think of the world as innocent, how trauma ruined my views. I told her that I had a conversation with my sister and Mom over the weekend. How we were joking around writing cursive on a piece of paper and how my mom said that I still have bad handwriting. That opened the floodgates. It triggered me. I asked my sister, “do you remember when I was beat by my dad for how hard I wrote? Remember when I was beat for how close my head was to the paper when I was writing? Do you remember how I was beat because my writing was bad? My mom did nothing to stop any of that?” At the moment, we laughed. But then the conversation became serious. I was literally beat with my dad’s belt because my writing was sloppy. I don’t understand why he did what he did. What caused him to get frustrated at me because of this. Instead of looking at what I was writing about, he focused about how my writing was.

As a father I have always wanted to do better. Do I fail? Yes. Do I get frustrated? Yes. I am learning and building progress. I admit when I am wrong. I appreciate what my kids are doing, I try to guide them to make better decisions, I focus on building up their imagination and love their personality and who they are becoming. It is beautiful. I never received that. I kept being put down and never lifted up. Which brings me to wanting validation. Wanting to be accepted. And honestly, just cherished. My therapists asked me what I was missing when I was growing up, I told her, feeling loved. The physical abuse, the lack of love, and understanding, lack of protection formed the view of the world for me. Where was I safe? Where was I accepted?

I have always wanted to ask my dad about why he was the way he was, but I have thought that that question would never be answered. My mom and I have built a great relationship. She sacrificed herself for her children. I have seen all the work she put in for us to survive after my dad was deported. She went through a difficult time. There is no blame on her for standing by and allowing this to happen. There may be things that happened in my parent’s relationship that I will never understand. I will always love her for being a strong woman. I know that she has been in a dark place and is trying to find herself. She lives with this hurt. I see it every time we talk about the past. She doesn’t defend what happened, but she doesn’t apologize for them either. Which I understand, but what I want is to be understood, acknowledged, and heard. I want her to hear what happened to me, understand what it did to me, acknowledge that it happened and not rewrite my story. It’s not going to change the past, but it will change the future. It will better the life of my kids and I. Honestly, it will allow me to heal.

I have always had a chip on my shoulder. I have always had to be better and do better. I have always wanted more. I have always wanted to be perfect. Whether it’s at home or at work, my work is never complete because I was never enough. But with the help of therapy, my journaling, and strong connection with certain friends, I have made true progress and healed my own way. I now know my worth and know that I am enough. That is what matters.