Sorry To Disappoint
I am one of those people that enjoys music and attaches music to memories in life. I remember getting woken up on Saturday mornings, as a kid, when my Mom listened to her classics while cleaning. I tried my best to act asleep, but the voice of Jose Jose always made its way into my room. My time to lay around on a Saturday was limited. There have been times where music has gotten me through anything. Heartbreaks, celebrations, even when meeting the love of your life. Music has been there.
In my early twenties my life was in one of those artificial tornado machines. I tell everyone I can that, from Tuesday to Sunday, I was drunk. Every week. I used alcohol to fill the void of feeling abandoned. The feeling of not knowing if I could be loved. The feeling of being alone. Alcohol and my friends, at that time, helped me feel whole. But deep down, I knew I was empty. The following song was being played while I met the person who would change my life.
It was January 11, 2012 I was with a high school friend celebrating their birthday. We were having a blast at our favorite bar, we had charbuff wings, pitcher of Blue Moon, and our favorite songs were playing. You couldn’t tell us anything. Then something I wasn’t expecting happened. The bar door opened and in came in a group of women. One of them caught my eye and I was a goner. The bar was pretty empty. I could count on one hand how many people were there that night. I tried my best to cool down and act “cool”. Her friends went to the bathroom and I made my move, I had the bartender get her another drink, it was like in the movies. When the man is at the other side of the bar and the woman and him lock eyes after the bartender drops off the drink. I went up to the bar to order another drink, and she came up to me, I offered her a shot of tequila. Her friends QUICKLY came up as well. I ended up getting them jello shots, just enough to make them leave us alone.
We ended up talking the rest of the night. I honestly don’t remember much of the content of the conversation. My friend and I ended up going home and kept on with our night. I didn’t get her number, social media, or name. We just talked. The next day, she found me on Facebook and sent me a message to have dinner. We did. The rest is history.
Over the last few years I have been living two different lives. One life where I am a married man, two beautiful girls and a little Boston Terrier named Omar. The other life, I live in an apartment, with a parenting schedule, and in the process of a divorce. Keeping these lives separated has been exhausting, to say the least. My heart hurts, my anxiety is at an all time high, my mind runs at 1000mph, my happiness is nonexistent. I have been diagnosed with situational depression, the sadness over takes me at random times. I try my best to shield my kids from what I am going through, at the end of the night, a kiss and an “I love you” gives me hope. Patience is something I am constantly working on, I won’t be perfect, but practice makes progress.
At the beginning of 2020 I was looking for an apartment, that broke me. I built a home with my wife, built memories in that home, saw our kids crawl, walk, and eventually run in that house. Now, that was gone. Gone because we were afraid to be vulnerable with each other. Gone because we avoided each other. Gone because we expected the other person to be the first one to bring up issues.
I lost myself. I focused on wanting to grow at work. Support my family. My kid’s well being was top priority. I continued to lose myself and lose life with the person I loved and wanted a future with. I started to distance myself from her slowly. We both noticed the disconnect. We started therapy, I started expressing my needs. I became more aware, more vocal, and in touch with my feelings. Forgiving the pasts hurts was difficult, but it was necessary. Growing together was important for me. Continuing to communicate was going to keep us together.
I kept growing, as a person, as a father, and friend. I knew who I wanted to become and nothing was holding me back. Unfortunately, we grew at different paces, we communicated differently, our hurts became reasons to attack each other. We had failed. We tried. Reassuring me of what had to happen. What we had couldn’t be saved. It was time.
I don’t want to hurt anyone. But the decisions that I have taken will come to benefit me at the end of the day. It will allow me to become the best version of myself. To learn to love myself and appreciate myself for who I am. Recently, my wife told me everything I wanted to hear, but it felt as if I was being manipulated. It was too little too late. The conversation was difficult and it hurt. But music is help me through it.
One of the many songs that has hugged me through these moments of pain and uncertainty has been Pain- The War on Drugs. The sounds, the emotion in the guitar, the frontman’s voice, the lyrics, the hope. I felt all of this as I navigate this new life. Here is to a new chapter.
