My Wish

My wish is and will forever be to be a part of your life, to be a safe space for you, to provide for you, for you to be loved, for you to be happy, and most importantly; to live your life being YOU. When I heard you were coming into this world, I was met with immediate fear. “Me? A father?”, I asked myself. At the time I was 25, living in my Mom’s basement, buying sneakers every payday, drunk from Tuesday to Sunday, with a dead-end job, and no real direction in life. Everything changed when I heard your heartbeat for the first time. Your mom and I were in a process of moving to a rental home and she began to bleed because of all the lifting she was doing. We immediately went to the hospital to get checked out, then it happened. *thump thump…. thump thump* Your heartbeat went. I cried. WE cried. At that moment, I knew you were going to be resilient. I knew then, that I needed to grow up. For our little family.

A lot of this journey of working on my mental health has been looking at my past and to be honest, I am not a big fan of my past. I made many mistakes, hurt a lot of people, and only cared about myself. You came into my life, gave me a purpose, centered me, and motivated me. I went back to school, got a second college degree, worked to move up in my dead-end job (spoiler: it didn't happen), and kept working on myself to be better for you. My goals got bigger, my wins became our wins, and my losses gave me motivation. Providing for you pushed me.

Thank you for centering me.

As a man, you're told that you want a little junior running around causing havoc. You need to pass down your name, you need a boy to play sports with, to fix your car with, to do man stuff with. Honestly, I never understood that way of thinking. I remember thinking about all the possibilities that came from you being born. The Nike’s we were going to wear together, the baseball games we were going to watch, the sports we were going to play together. Showing you how to flip an over-easy egg for your Mom. So many things I have been ready to do with you. I am a girl dad and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Seeing you grow into the kindhearted girl that you are today brings me joy. Walking you to school and you holding my hand fulfills me. Even though it's gross, you allowing me to remove the boogers out of your nose shows me that you trust me. There was a moment when I was getting you ready for school, I was brushing your hair and putting it in a ponytail. I did not like the outcome and you turned around, gave me a hug, and said “You tried your best.” You confirmed then that your mom and I raised you well. You cared for others, you appreciated what others did for you, and you were your own person. You rocked that ponytail with CONFIDENCE.

I grew up during one of the heights of skateboarding, Tony Hawk, Rodney Mullens, Mark Gonzales, Elissa Steamer, Bob Burnquist, and the legend himself Nyjah Huston. I call Nyjah a legend because I saw him grow up skateboarding. From the days he had dreads longer than he was, doing rails off of 30 stairs, to today where he continues to grow as a skateboarder and wins competition after competition. He’s even an Olympic athlete. I would have never thought that would happen.

Growing up during this time I wanted to be a part of the skateboard community, I had my parents buy me a board, Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1 and 2 on the Playstation, and some off-brand skate shoes, I was ready! I even used my dad's camcorder. I thought I was going to make some skateboard videos or even some dumb skits like Jackass on MTV.

Unfortunately, I fell a few times, scraped my knees, and didn't want to continue. I was done with it. I often didn't see new things through. Once my dad signed me up for Pop Warner football. I was around 13. I could have been a good Tight-end. I had size some speed. I went out there for our first practice, we were doing some tackling drills. I was smacked so hard. I never went back. Sorry for making you spend that money, Pops.

Skateboarding has always been a part of my life, from watching videos on YouTube, supporting the local skate shop, or donating shoes to the little homies at the skatepark. I just want to be a part of the community because that community supports itself. There is comradery. There is respect. There is space for all. When a skater is completing a tough line, everyone celebrates, everyone acknowledges the trick, and everyone loves the effort. I love those moments.

As you got older, a goal of mine was to get you on a board. Ride with you. Just vibe with you. When you hit the age of 6, I was ready to buy you that board. I started to get you used to skateboarding by showing you clips of Lizzie Armanto, Nora Vasconcellos, and the wonderful Rayssa Leal. For me, seeing someone that looks like me in a position I want to be in gives me the motivation to get there. That was what I was thinking when we sat down and watched videos from Thrasher on YouTube.

I asked you if you were interested in skateboarding. You were hesitant, but I allowed you time to decide. This was on you, I didn't want to push you. You joined me at the local skate shop, the workers there began to connect with you the way they did with me, and the boards displayed on their wall interested you. One day, you were fully in. We bought boards together, you got a Real Skateboard and I bought a Palace. It was a proud moment for me.

We took a picture together afterward and you can tell how excited we both were.

This summer you wanted to join a skateboarding school provided by Rabble Mill at Millwork Commons. You immediately fell in love. You found out you rode Goofy, just like dad, and you connected with your board. In the first class, you learned how to ride, land a half turtle, and tic tac. I was proud. Then in the second class, you went down a quarter pipe. HOW? I could never. I am still HYPED for you. A quarter pipe! My little risk-taker. Keep it up, keep learning, keep pushing.

During the latest class, you fell down the quarter pipe and hurt your neck. You got back up and kept going. The picture below was taken after you fell. Look at you. You are resilient.

Thank you for embracing me. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for allowing me to have these moments with you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally.

I am a girl dad and I am proud of it.