For Mama

As Elena and I were riding around town in the slick rain, I was listening to Boyz II Men. Elena is my 4 year old, she told me to stop singing and turn off the music. I began to laugh because it reminded me of the times I despised my parent’s music, but here I am, listening to it and enjoying it more than them. Then as I was arriving home one of my favorite song of theirs came on; “A Song for Mama”. I immediately began to tear up. I haven’t heard this song in ages, but it means so much to me.

“You taught me everything
And everything you’ve given me
I’ll always keep it inside
You’re the driving force in my life, yeah”

When Nathan Morris belted that verse I could not hold my feelings. Over the years I have written and talked about how much pain, shame, and disappointment my father has brought upon me, but I haven’t really spoken about what my Mother has done for me through the years. My dad was sent to jail when I was 17 and deported a little bit after I turned 18. I was a young adult, a sponge, ready to take everything in. My mother was there for me. Like Norris said, She taught me everything and she’s the driving force in my life. I could not have said it better. My Mother taught me how to be an adult, how to love, how to cook, how to be a man, and many other things.

These things are instilled within me for the rest of my life, they are tangibles that I hope to pass down to my children. Today, Elena helped me with breakfast by scrambling eggs on the stove, flipping pancakes, and setting the table. Those are small tasks that make me proud. A few years ago, I wanted to make my mother’s famous rice. We video called and she walked me through the process. She, like many other Hispanic Mothers, don’t cook with by measuring, they cook by feel. So being a video call, cooking rice by feel was difficult. But through many attempts, my rice is just as good as hers and sometimes better. Don’t tell her I said that.

Part of the chorus states, “Mama, I just want you to know, lovin’ you is like food to my soul” and its true. Loving my Mother is food to my soul, an unconditional love. A love that evolves from being raised to into an adult to an adult that takes care of those around them. My Mother has molded me into someone that she is proud of. When she talks about us, she is proud, when she sees us with our children, she is reassured, her job is done. Her hard work has paid off.

“You’re always there for me
Have always been around for me, even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong”

This part hits different. I didn’t make it easy for her to raise me. I was angry, hurt, and left feeling unwanted. My best friend, my everything, my Father decided that his selfishness was more important than his kids and family. Lets skip up to the age of 21, during my early 20s, I was only sober on Mondays and Tuesdays. At the time, I lived in my Mother’s basement without paying rent or any other kind of bills. I spent all of my money at the local bar, going out with friends, and shoes. I saw her struggle for most of my life and only cared about enjoying my time. She never asked for help, she just kept working to make ends meet.

One night I crashed my car after a night of drinking, I woke up on the side of the interstate, I was shook. I drove home, saw the damage, and went inside. She was getting ready for work and I told her what had happened, well only what I remembered. Her first words were “you’re just like your father!” It clicked. I needed to change. Ever since then, I have worked to not be like him. I apologized for my mistake and learned from it. She loved me through this, she gave me advice, she held my hand, her love was tough. But she was always there for me.

“And no one else can do
What you have done for me
You’ll always be, you will always be
The girl in my life”

She continues to amaze me. The love that she shows my kids is something I yearned for growing up. I wanted to be loved by my grandmother this way. I never received it. My kids are lucky to have her. Our family is lucky to have her. She knows that she is the glue that keeps this family together. Without her, I don’t know where we would be. I am thankful for her care, thankful for her love, thankful for her stubbornness, and thankful for her.

“And you took up for me
When everyone was downin’ me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on”

You’re a main reason I’ll keep pushing. I’ll never stop.